How are you today?
If you are like many Americans, you may answer this with a positive answer - "doing well", "loving life", etc....this is a grave warning sign that you might be suffering needlessly!
And in answering this question, you might even crack a smile and exhibit what we at Good Living Upliftment Covert Kommodity (GLUCK) Pharmaceuticals call "signs and symptoms of behavioral adaptations toward a positive metaphysical response." (e.g. happiness)
Yes, we know this is very complex stuff, so let us break it down, Smurf style:
Of the Smurfs, you may have noticed the one that stuck out as completely dysfunctional, unable to perform his Smurf duties, or even to have the wherewithal to help Pappa Smurf with emotional support as a single-father - Yup! Happy Smurf! We can all agree that Lazy Smurf, Brainy Smurf, Handsome Smurf and their siblings all clearly outperformed Happy when it came to Darwinian fitness, largely because they did not suffer from happiness as he did.
(For a quick re-fresher on the entire Smurfdom, see
Which surepticiously brings us, the GLUCK family, to our point.
Happiness is something that has been pushed upon us through the evil plots of the makers of children's cartoons, makers of greeting cards, Santa Claus, and a host of NGOs too numerous to list here. It has become the epidemic of the 21st century, with an estimated 262,386,432 Americans affected (source: unpublished industry data)
And like Happy Smurf, these millions upon millions are finding it hard to function in life, which unlike the comforting world that incubated the Smurfs, is a cold, crass, and cruel environment in which to live.
GLUCK has a (culturally and linguistically-competent) solution called Allegre D, a revolutionary drug that will turn that smile into a frown, one that will make your lightheartedness fade quicker than a Smurf who sees Gargamel. This drug is re-inventing what it means to be human, and liberating humanity from its captivity to happiness.
Allegre D is a revolutionary drug, the first in a class called SSREs - Selective Serotonin Reuptake Enhancers - making sure that the serotonin (or as we call it at GLUCK, ""the awful, awful, horrible, nasty, toxic neurotransmitter") is ridded from the synapses of your nervous system.
This drug, when taken as part of a healthy diet of glum-ness, sorrow, and incidental horrific life experiences, has been shown (in left-handed lab mice lacking a frontal lobe of the brain) to decrease symptoms of happiness in over 98% (of those willing to take it at a neurotoxic IV dose)
Allegre D can do the same for you!
Please send check and money order to GLUCK today, for an easy payment of $349.99 (to be repeated weekly), and we will promise you that your sunny, smiley, beautiful days of suffering
are over.
So the next time you feel a smile coming on, think about
Allegre D - it stands for Allegre (Happy) Detox, and it will do just that, detoxing you system, one nueron at a time, and restoring you to those days when all you will want to do is cry, scoff, frown, fret, fart, etc.
*As with all medications, please ask your doctor is medical advice from a pharmaceutical ad is right for you *
* Do not consume Allegre D with SSRI's - this has been shown to cause catatonia due to the clashing of these two molecules at the nueronal synapse. Also, do not consume with sushi, lettuce, salt, graham crackers, ice cream, cooked meat, uncooked meat, mandarin oranges, or other foods known to elicit feelings of happiness.
* If you have any positive things happening in your life, we encourage immediate discontinuing of such activities before beginning Allegre D for optimal results
* And if you can't afford Allegre D, we have a great "Helping Patients Frown" assitance program, which will allow you to get one pill free, and will then automatically take payments for ensuing pills out of your children's college funds or your house mortgage, whichever is deemed to be the route of monetary extraction that will inflict the most pain (e.g. be most opposite to happiness)
