Do you ever get that "too scared to talk" feeling when faced with imminent danger?
Does your stomach ever growl after a meal?
Are you ever happy?
Are you ever sad?
Are ever happy and sad, and a little angry - all at the same time?
If yes to any of the above, it is time for a new pill, made just for people like you by the EPFU (Enormous Profits For Us) Pharmaceuticals. This pill, called "Koma-tos" will put you out of your misery, for good. Koma-tos contains mild* amounts of narcotics and benzos, with a bit of sleeping medicine mixed in.
(*The use of the word "mild" is used according to the U.S. Vetinary Association's guidelines for horse tranquilizers)
Why haven't you heard of this drug before? Well, between you and me, it is probably because your doctor does not care about you, and probably wants to see you suffer!
Which might make you think, "Gee, maybe I will just order them from Canada, where I can bypass my doctor and get them cheaper." To which we would politely say, "Are you sure you trust some Communist leaning folks, people who believe in universal healthcare and the s*** m**** phrase (socialized medicine) to count your pills. I didn't think so!
What we suggest you do is to ask your doctor for Koma-tos by name, and if your doctor happens to be "latino-friendly", make sure that he does not confuse this with a cough medicine (as "tos" means cough in spanish). If he refuses, and gives you some line about "happiness not being a disease", make sure you contact our friend, Sue Forlots, a lawyer with expertise in handling such malpractice cases!
Side effects? We knew you would ask - but let's think for a second before worrying about side effects...do you really want to risk being happy any longer? Does it even matter what the side effects are when the sickness is so severe? Exactly!
But so the FDA is satisfied, here they are:
death, shock, coma, dizziness, happiness, sadness, fullness, embarrassment, poverty, etc.
Note: most (94%) users of Koma-tos are too sedated to give an accurate account of the side effects they are experiencing
So, from your friends at EPFU, where we "care about America, and care for America,"
Be well, be in health, be tranquil (and barely conscious) with Koma-tos.
In so doing, you can say "goodbye" to all of those pesky human experiences and emotions that have plagued you for so many years!
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